In writing to a friend who is in a period of thinking things through about her life, I quoted Jan Struther's Mrs. Miniver:
"A certain degree of un-understanding (not mis-, but un-) is the only possible sanctuary which one human being can offer to another in the midst of the devastating intimacy of a happy marriage."
It got me thinking. I believe in honesty and try not ever to lie to anyone, though there are some truths I just don't tell. I don't hide anything from Rudder, but there are some things I just don't tell him, some it wouldn't even occur to me to tell him because we just don't have the common vocabulary or common experiences that he would need to understand them. There aren't entire subjects I avoid, but I don't go into some of them (women's clothing, knitting, menstruating, books for four) in as much detail as I might with someone who participated in one of those areas more directly. I talk about what clothes I like but not exactly why, what I'm knitting but not how, whether I like a book but not why, or at least not in detail. At that, he probably hears more about some of my interests than he'd ideally like. And of course, this all applies in reverse too; I'm sure there are things he doesn't tell me just as there are topics I listen too out of love and courtest rather than great interest. Yet we have a lot more common interests and pursuits than most couples I know. I think it may not be possible for one person ever to connect with every facet of another. A good marriage connects a lot of the important ones, but even there I think Jan Struther may be right. Maybe we all just need a shelter in the back of our mind, a place where we can duck back to be alone -- but it may be different places depending whom we're dealing with.
Posted by dichroic at August 8, 2004 08:01 PM