I pissed off someone I like and respect a lot yesterday. I knew what I said would probably enrage her, and I think she had a right to be angry with me, but I'm still not sure what else I could have said. I suppose I could have timed my comment better. She'd been treated badly by a couple of people and made a generalization about disliking the whole group they belonged to. I called her on it.
Now, the group she made the statement about is not a group that generally gets picked on too much (sorry, being purposely vague here). Further, my friend has had to deal with far more than her share of prejudice herself and it sucks when it seems like everyone else can get away with stuff and you can't. But still, I had to speak up.
Why? Two reasons: for her sake and for mine. I don't have the right to enforce a code of behavior on another adult, I know, but still, I believe that what she said went against her own true beliefs, and that she said it only because she was tired and frustrated and ticked off and just ready for someone else to have to do the hard work for a change, please God, I've done my part. I know that feeling well. But I don't believe in unconditional love. I believe in helping each other be what we can and ought to be, and helping to carry a burden when we're too tired.
But still, she's an adult, and I don't have a Behavior Police badge. It is her right even to hate if she wants to, and I probably just came off as pompous and interfering. So I guess I did it more for me. Whenever I've been silent in the face of prejudice I've regretted it, because whatever other people's standards may be, I'm not living up to my own. Her comment was mostly harmless, but if the last century's history proves anything, it's shown us what happens when you start generalizing groups of people, and where it can lead when you regard them as 'other'. As a Jew, I've heard a lot of discussion of what it means to be the Chosen People; I don't necessarily believe that Jews are specially chosen by God but I do believe that those of us who have seen and known what prejudice can do, whether Jews or any other group that's been the target of hate, do have a special burden. And it does suck, when we're tired and when people have been nasty and when it seems like everyone else in the world can say whatever they want and why should we have to be any better? But I believe we do. At least, I do, since I'm the one I can choose for. So I did it largely for me, so I wouldn't have to think less of myself for keeping quiet out of fear of having someone I care about angry at me.
But I wish I hadn't had to make her more upset than she was or get her mad at me. Sigh. I suppose I could have waited and commented later. It's that damned tact thing again. I never was good at that damned tact thing.
On a happier note, I think I didn't mention the good dream I had the other day, a couple of days after that awful nightmare. Best party I've been to in a long time. My friend D has a party every year on July 4 for his birthday, and I've missed it every year since leaving Philadelphia. This year, though, he made it easy to attend: the party was in a big building, and every door opened on a different city, so guests didn't have to travel to get there. For some reason, I took my mother and grandmother to it, which seemed to surprise everyone there, but they had a great time and the other people there seemed to enjoy them as well. (Do you think people's surprise might have something to do with my grandmother having been dead for eight years or so? She was alive in the dream, though - another nice thing about it.) I didn't actually realize about the doors to different cities until I tried to leave - I went out the different doors and couldn't find the lot where we'd left our car, until I went out one last door and the sky was still light, having been dark outside the other doors, and I realized that was because all the other doors led to later time zones where the sun had set, whereas in Phoenix it was still daylight. Good party, anyway. I think more people should set their parties up like that.
Posted by dichroic at July 12, 2005 03:05 PMThat dream's so Narnian. I love it.
Posted by: golfwidow at July 12, 2005 07:15 PMI'm impressed you said something to your friend. I often find myself feeling uncomfortable when people make generalizations that are racist, sexist, or otherwise-ist. Since moving back from the Bay Area I have been shocked at the number of times I have heard references to "The Gays" or "The African-Americans" for example. I almost never say anything and am always sorry.
I'm not too good at tact either. I always find it difficult to pussyfoot around the issue. It seems less efficient and less effective. But of course it gets one into sticky situations.
Nice dream. My grandmother has been dead for almost 10 years and the only dream I've had about her she didn't speak to me. I always love dreams where you can visit with people who are gone.
Posted by: Brooke at July 12, 2005 08:25 PM*Snort!* Whee, I done it again! I all but forgot about you and the flying, and the jet wash. Please tell me when you're gonna post something about steam laminating hickory for boat parts or something so I can coment and sound marginally intelligent. That was the best laugh I've had all week!
Posted by: outfoxed at July 13, 2005 02:20 PM