on forgiveness and neoteny

It’s that time of year again, when the Jewish Holidays push me into thinking about things. That’s one thing I like a lot about them.

There’s a theory that humans are neotenous – like dogs, who retain into adulthood many of the behaviors including friendliness that wolves have only as cubs, we keep some of the aspects of childhood throughout our lives. We mature slowly, and we never lose the ability to ask “what if?” A lot of us do lose the will, though. We ask why, and pose questions about Life, the Universe, and Everything as children and teenagers, and then we relapse into an unthinking adulthood where everything is ordered in its ordained place and we never need question again. One aspect of Judaism I like is that as we move through the calendar we’re forced into thinking about ourselves, our behaviors, our history, and our future, and the High Holidays in particular are a time for introspection.

In her pastoral journal, Mary Ann reminded me again about forgiveness, a topic I was thinking about a lot last year at around this time. I decided to post here rather than commenting in her post because all the conversation there is from a month ago and I didn’t want to stir up a broth that’s already cooled. The additional thought I’d had was that one benefit of forgiveness to the forgiver is that it clears out brainspace and saves you a lot of time. For example, I have a particular relative with whom I get along well, but who tends to hold grudges. He has a particular one against my brother; I think in many ways they’re just alike enough to rub each other wrong. My brother’s reasonable response to this seems to be to avoid him when possible and to stay oblivious of any conflicts and talk about whatever he’d normally talk about when they’re thrown together. They see each other only a few times a year, and I don’t think my brother spends much time thinking about him when they’re not together. The relative, on the other hand, complains to me about something my brother has said or might say or will say every time I talk to him, which is once a week or so. He spends much more time worrying and fuming about how annoying my brother might be, than they ever actually spend in each other’s company. (It’s not just my brother; he’s been holding grudges on and off against assorted friends for years, which may be why some of his old friends aren’t anymore. But family, you’re stuck with.) It all strikes me as not only an enormous waste of energy but as a good way to keep yourself unhappier than you actually need to be, unless you actively enjoy holding grudges more than I think most people do. (Some enjoy it above all else, unfortunately.)

The logical corollary from that is that forgiveness is especially important for minor annoyances or for things that can be fixed. If someone has murdered your child, for example, forgiving that person is not going to free up energy or time, because you are going to be thinking of your grief every day for the rest of your life anyway. Then again, it may divert energy from more positive aspects, such as reliving more joyful memories or working to prevent similar crimes to others. Again, if you have been wronged but the wrong is over and either redressed or won’t happen again, obsessing over it is just going to keep you from enjoying the improved state of affairs.

So to condense a lot of blethering, from this one point of view, there’s no point in holding a grudge unless you’ve been grievously injured in a way that hasn’t been stopped or fixed. Or unless you enjoy it. Of course that ignores the whole moral aspect of forgiveness as well as its effect on the one who is (or isn’t) forgiven – but given my general writing style, those are multiple other posts on their own.

And by the way, have I mentioned that that whole marathon I’m still deciding whether to do would be on Rosh Hashana?