August 01, 2002

turn and face the (lack of) change

One of the worst things about living in such a mobile area is that as soon as I
make a friend, they move away. That never happened in Philadelphia, and only
rarely in Texas, so I don't think it's me. In six years here, we've lost at at
least four good friends as well as some more distant ones. One of the latter moved
back, but she was more a friend of a friend (who's moved away) and we don't see
her much anymore). Yesterday I learned that Queue is moving away in less than two
weeks. This one is especially rough because we never did get to be really good
friends, even though there was no reason not to be. She's smart, funny, well-
educated, slightly wild when you get her out, responsible otherwise, and a hell of
a rower when her shoulder is cooperating. There are her flaws: she's not good at
saying no when people ask her to do too much. And ... and ... that's about it. So
why did we never become close friends? I don't know, but laziness on my part has
to be part of it. And now it's too late, though of course I'll ask for her new
email address and we'll keep in touch sporadically. I hate losing the opportunity
to make a friend, because although I have lots of acquaintances, I really don't
have that many close friends. I never have, and marriage hasn't helped; it's easy
to be lazy about other relationships when your best friend lives right there.
Also, I have so little spare time that, paradoxically, it's easier for me to
maintain long-distance friendships than local ones. I can send emails from my desk
or make phone calls while doing laundry, but it takes a major time investment to
actually go somewhere. It's not that I don't want to; it's just that most of my
time is eaten up by rowing or work and I generally need to spend what's left
maintaining that one most important relationship. (This is one reason I miss Egret
and T2 so much; their life was so similar to ours that the little crannies of free
time matched up well and no one was offended when we had to go home at
ridiculously early hours.)

I envy Queue, as well, for all the changes
she's making. Right now I have nothing to look forward to. It's not because
my life is bad, but because it's good; I like my job, I have a great marriage and
a comfortable (though not fancy) home. We have no vacations coming up except for a
few races this fall, and in general no changes in the foreseeable future. For some
people this would all be ideal, but I'm restless. I like change. I keep hoping
something wonderful will turn up, but even if it did, down the line I'd want to
change it. Much as I hate the heat, we're stuck here for at least a few more
years, because Rudder's reasons for staying are better than mine for going. I'm
not stupid enough to cheat on Rudder and ruin the best part of my life -- I want
to do something different but I want him to do it with me. I suppose I could go
back to school but that doesn't seem like a good idea without some plan of what to
do after graduation -- I'd probably want to study either linguistics or cognitive
science, but I'm just mostly interested in the idea of learning more about them,
with no idea of what to do with what I've learned.

I read other
diaries and people are wrestling with major life dilemmas or trying to conceive or
breaking up with long-time boyfriends or clawing back from the brink of oblivion.
My inner drama queen is stifling, I tell you. I can think of plenty of ways to add
changes to my life, but they all seem like very very bad ideas. I want changes,
but I want good changes. Yes, I am spoiled. I'm almost tempted to get pregnant
just so there would be built-in excitements and milestones ahead. Or maybe start a
garden. (At least I wouldn't have to worry that I was bringing plants into the
world for all the wrong reasons.)

I didn't expect the above to come
out quite so whiny; I'm not really functioning at a high level today. I think I
may have blown my brains out (through my nose into a tissue, not with a gun). Or
perhaps I'm just not getting adequate oxygen to the brain. My appetite is coming
back, and I'm hoping to be well enough to erg or at least row tomorrow, so maybe
I'll be more cheerful then.

Posted by dichroic at August 1, 2002 04:59 PM
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